Spin Cycle
I always knew I wanted to be a mother. I remember as a small child telling completely strangers I was going to be a mommy when I grew up. I just knew it was what I was meant to do. I would be perfect at it. I would play with my dolly with visions of the future: I would be in the kitchen making supper, wearing a dress, pumps and an apron. When my husband came home from work, I would greet him at the door with a cup of coffee and a kiss on the cheek. The children would all have craft kits and art projects that they played with and then neatly put away afterwards. The house would always be tidy. The laundry would always be done. The floor would always be clean. The beds would always be made.
These days when I look around, I notice how much I fall short of my childhood ideals. It is a constant effort to try to keep on top of things and mostly I fail. I find myself feeling guilty when I look around and notice how untidy it is. I find myself feeling guilty when I silently wish that Santa had not bought that big art kit with the 70 tiny little pieces that keep taking away from the dog so he won't eat them. I feel guilty that I struggle so much to do the things it seems like my mother did so easily.
I love being a mom and I still believe it is what I was meant to do. I truly think that girls know how, special, beautiful, loved and cherished they are. They have no idea that I am failing them in any way. But, when I look around I feel filled to the hilt with guilt and I know that somewhere in NS my mother is silently shaking her head at me and wondering where she went wrong.
I always knew I wanted to be a mother. I remember as a small child telling completely strangers I was going to be a mommy when I grew up. I just knew it was what I was meant to do. I would be perfect at it. I would play with my dolly with visions of the future: I would be in the kitchen making supper, wearing a dress, pumps and an apron. When my husband came home from work, I would greet him at the door with a cup of coffee and a kiss on the cheek. The children would all have craft kits and art projects that they played with and then neatly put away afterwards. The house would always be tidy. The laundry would always be done. The floor would always be clean. The beds would always be made.
These days when I look around, I notice how much I fall short of my childhood ideals. It is a constant effort to try to keep on top of things and mostly I fail. I find myself feeling guilty when I look around and notice how untidy it is. I find myself feeling guilty when I silently wish that Santa had not bought that big art kit with the 70 tiny little pieces that keep taking away from the dog so he won't eat them. I feel guilty that I struggle so much to do the things it seems like my mother did so easily.
I love being a mom and I still believe it is what I was meant to do. I truly think that girls know how, special, beautiful, loved and cherished they are. They have no idea that I am failing them in any way. But, when I look around I feel filled to the hilt with guilt and I know that somewhere in NS my mother is silently shaking her head at me and wondering where she went wrong.
3 comments:
Hi there! Welcome to the Spin Cycle! It's funny, I was thinking these same thoughts last night as I looked around my toddler's room and took in the destruction and wished for the days when I would always put everything away and her room looked perfect at the end of the day. Now, she gets out of bed as soon as we close the door and it all unravels, so why clean it? Sigh. Never ending. You're linked and forgiven! I hope you Spin again!
(By the way, I love your blog name. It reminds me of a song from the Broadway show, Once Upon A Mattress called "Happily Ever After". If you haven't heard it, I recommend you do!)
When the Boy was little, I had stabd of guilt that I just wasn't doing it right. I was horrible at housework, a lousy cook...but somewhere along the way it occurred to me that he was HAPPY. So was the Spouse Thingy. The house was a mess because we were too busy spending time together to bother much with it. They didn't care that I couldn't cook very well.
Now that the Boy is grown and out of the house, it's a little cleaner. But I look back and now I'm glad that I realized early enough that it didn't matter...time spent with him and the Spouse Thingy was time much better spent.
Sometimes you just have to adjust the dream...and it's all the better for it.
I hope we Mommies aren't REALLY supposed to be that perfect, because I would fall SOOOO short! *sigh*
Post a Comment